i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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