Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just want to make out with him forever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
