Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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