The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sext me about skeletons
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
