He managed to light the Jello on fire...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
