i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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