oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
