she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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