I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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