Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize