2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
