there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
