Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
