there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
