did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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