Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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