Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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