He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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