He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
