Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
