He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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