He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
