In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Someone came in the potted fern
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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