dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
