The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
