Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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