Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
