He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
