I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
