I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
