What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
