Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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