I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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