why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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