I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
