dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
