My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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