about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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