OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
