I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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