Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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