theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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