Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
