then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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