i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
