i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
