you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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