I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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