I puked a lego.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
