my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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