I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
