I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
