Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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