Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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