Even the bartender felt bad for me
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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