So drunk its hurt
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize