walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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