My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
