I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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