She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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