I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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