Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
