I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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