4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
