I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
