Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize