I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Who died my cat blue again?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
