I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
