You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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