some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
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