do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
