I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
