It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I have post one night stand depression
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