just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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