also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
